1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,794 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,048 Cece! 3 00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:09,676 Beep-beep. 4 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,595 (ARGUING) 5 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,306 Beep-beep. 6 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:15,641 Sorry. 7 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,977 These traffic patterns are really… 8 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,146 Counterintuitive! 9 00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:23,690 Really… 10 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:27,819 Catch-as-catch-can as far as footpaths go over here! 11 00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,279 (ARGUMENT CONTINUES) 12 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:31,740 Cece! 13 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,326 I got your text. Are you ready to go home? 14 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,203 (GROANS) Thank you for coming. 15 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,497 Jess, he was making out with another girl. 16 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,500 You…get away from here. 17 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,210 Okay, who are you, Miss Pajama, okay? 18 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,920 You're blocking my booth. Get out of here! 19 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,089 Don't talk to her like that, okay? That is my best friend! 20 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,173 (CECE GRUNTS) 21 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,092 -Oh! Cece… -(LAUGHS) 22 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,177 You ripped my deep V! 23 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:54,221 This is my favorite deep V! 24 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,515 It's just a deeper V. 25 00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,017 Thanks for picking me up, Jess. 26 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,353 I really felt that Gavin was different. 27 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:03,438 Didn't you feel like he was different? 28 00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:07,317 Yeah. I mean, he seemed like a really nice… 29 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,319 European DJ with a face tattoo. 30 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:11,989 -(MEN WHISTLING, CAR HORN HONKING) -Whoo! Hey, guys. 31 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,949 I think, Jess… I think these guys are into you. 32 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,034 We should… We should just go back, right? 33 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:17,202 We should totally head back. 34 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,871 Where am I taking you? 35 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:23,166 No, can't go home because Gavin's, like, staying at my place. 36 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,460 You've known him for three weeks. 37 00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:28,130 Can I just crash with you for a couple days? Please? 38 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:32,426 I don't know. It's Friday night. The guys probably have big plans. 39 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,344 (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING) 40 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,305 (DOOR CLOSES) 41 00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,271 Friday night, gentlemen. It's on. 42 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,608 -What happened to you? -It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel? 43 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,775 -What happened to you? -What? 44 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,277 You didn't use to be like this, Schmidt. 45 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,029 -What are you talking about? -You've gotten so much worse. 46 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,488 It's on and poppin'! 47 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:54,656 (SINGING) Who's that girl? 48 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,116 Who's that girl? 49 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,659 Who's that girl? 50 00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,286 -Who's that girl? -It's Jess! 51 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,830 Yes. I told you I'd come through. 52 00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,041 Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party. 53 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,168 No, I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar. 54 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:09,129 I just want to sit here all weekend in silence, playing this game, 55 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:11,798 then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer. 56 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,593 Are you even wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair? 57 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,261 Just a little bit of sunshine. 58 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:18,388 (CHUCKLES) All right, take off that kimono, please. 59 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:20,057 It's my leisure wear, Winston. 60 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,100 Look, I worked 80 hours this week. 61 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:24,186 I just want to come home, put on my 'mono 62 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,146 and just hang loose, man. 63 00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,689 Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand. 64 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:32,444 R… Really? Wow. It just got real in here. 65 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:33,904 Okay, you're not gonna take the kimono off? 66 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,989 Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants. 67 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,033 Boom! Bam! 68 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,410 Mmm-hmm. Everybody want to just walk around this house 69 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,330 wearing all kinds of stupid stuff, then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt. 70 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:46,458 I'm wearing a napkin on my face. 71 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,210 Bam! How you like that? 72 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,503 That doesn't even make any sense, Winston. 73 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,380 It makes perfect sense. 74 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:52,798 Totally different than me wearing my kimono. 75 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:56,134 You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of samurai culture, 76 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,553 and it's an affront, Winston. It's an affront. 77 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:58,720 WINSTON: Look at me now, huh? 78 00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,430 This is the vibe we have in the house now because of you. 79 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:01,723 You want to walk around here looking silly. 80 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,433 This is handcrafted! 81 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,518 In China. 82 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,395 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 83 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,232 Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off. 84 00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:16,405 Um, Cece, can you not do your usual thing? 85 00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:19,533 These are really good guys. Best behavior. 86 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:20,617 Sure. 87 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,452 -(MEN ARGUING) -Hey, guys, I brought… 88 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,037 WINSTON: You brought this on yourself! 89 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:26,456 What you doing? 90 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,626 Oh, you know, we're just chillin'. 91 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:30,752 Just chillin'. 92 00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:33,297 Just doing this. You know, Friday night. 93 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,007 I'm gonna use the ladies'. 94 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,091 What's up, Cecelia? 95 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,260 CECE: Where's the tequila? 96 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,346 -(CECE LAUGHS) -Guys. 97 00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:42,556 -CECE: Oh. -(OBJECT CLATTERING) 98 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,141 (SIGHS) Okay. 99 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:48,061 I would normally never bring her here, but Cece's really vulnerable right now, 100 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,772 and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. 101 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:54,902 So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body. 102 00:03:54,985 --> 00:04:00,073 So I just want to apologize in advance for anything that she might do. 103 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,867 -That's good to know. -Yeah, thanks for telling us. 104 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,328 -Thank you, guys. You're the best. -SCHMIDT: Aw. 105 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:05,454 SCHMIDT: Mmm. 106 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,208 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) 107 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,047 This is the opposite of being alone! 108 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,842 This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend. 109 00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,803 Wow, how'd this happen? 110 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,265 Okay, I'm not a part of this, Schmidt. I'm not a part of it. 111 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:29,144 Hi, Cece. I'm gonna make you a bed on the couch, okay? 112 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,271 So You're gonna have to stop dancing, okay, 113 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:32,481 so you can go to sleep. 114 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,733 (DEEP VOICE) You know, Cece, I think you should dance if you want to. 115 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,068 Why are you talking like that? 116 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,736 Like what? I'm just hanging out. 117 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,613 -You get up. -SCHMIDT: Really? Him? 118 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,281 But I'm doing this. 119 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,701 -Come on, get up! -NICK: No, I don't dance. 120 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,371 -I'm from the town in Footloose. -Cece. He doesn't want to dance, Cece. 121 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,580 I don't wanna dance. I'm really good. 122 00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:50,624 -Schmidt dances… -Whoa! What the… 123 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:51,917 -(CECE LAUGHS) -All right, you know what, 124 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,836 -I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. -WINSTON: Yeah. 125 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,796 What just happened? That's really not great under here. 126 00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:56,880 You have to love hair. 127 00:04:58,465 --> 00:04:59,758 I think it's time for bed. 128 00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:00,843 You can use my bed. I'll sleep on the couch. 129 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,262 -Over here. Over here, Cece. -Uh… Oh. 130 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,264 -Over here. Over here. -Oh. 131 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,057 Are you sheepdogging her? 132 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,767 Over here, over here. Over here, over here. 133 00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,018 -Oh. -Not here. Here we go. 134 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,396 (SIGHS) 135 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,147 -Good night, Cece. -(DOOR CLOSES) 136 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,191 (MUSIC STOPS) 137 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,776 Yes! Yes. 138 00:05:17,860 --> 00:05:19,695 She is sleeping on my sheets right now. 139 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,488 Not yours, bro. Mine! 140 00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,575 Parkour! 141 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,163 You know what? I think I might actually have a chance with her. 142 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,456 (SCHMIDT GRUNTING) 143 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,375 I just have to be cooler than that guy. 144 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:34,626 Parkour! 145 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,795 A wise man once foretold of a magical night 146 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,340 where I would engage in nonsexual foreplay with a model, my friends. 147 00:05:40,424 --> 00:05:41,758 -And tonight… -Don't say it's that night. 148 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,386 -…is that night. -No, not a chance. Never gonna happen. 149 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,470 You're not a closer. 150 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,515 Oh, I'm a closer. I'm gonna close this conversation right now, my brother. 151 00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:50,934 Watch this. Boom, bam, closed. 152 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603 Parkour! 153 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,605 Short track speed skating. 154 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,148 Apolo Ohno. 155 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:02,321 -(WINSTON CHUCKLES) -Well, at least this tires him out, right? 156 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:03,405 Yeah. 157 00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,076 Look, she's great. You're gonna love her. 158 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,454 -Do you want some eggs? -No, I've got my own breakfast. 159 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,372 -I don't need you to… -What? 160 00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:13,624 I don't know. Take care of me. 161 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,961 -Just stop being so nice. -Your mother's being so nice. 162 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,298 -Slam on my mother. -(BOTH CHUCKLE) 163 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,966 Your mother's gonna slam on your mother. 164 00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,598 (SCREAMS) 165 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,809 And 4,000. Yeah. 166 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,728 Oh, my God. 167 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,480 Willkommen. 168 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,106 You're covered in oil? 169 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,943 What, oil? No. This is just, uh… 170 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,113 You okay? 171 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,823 Schmidt. 172 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,325 Hey, are you okay? 173 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,327 Whoa. Whoa. 174 00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:53,497 I just blacked out for a second. Anything weird happen? 175 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,041 Okay, I need some water, so can you move? 176 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:57,459 Yeah, that's not gonna happen, honey. 177 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,586 Just, you know, slide me like a curtain, okay? 178 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:00,838 (CECE GROANS) 179 00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,715 -There you go. I'm good. I'm good. -(GRUNTS) 180 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,133 Sweet. 181 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,094 Hey, can you get me a coff… 182 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,305 (SHOWER RUNNING) 183 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:20,816 What's going on, guys? I was… 184 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:21,900 Hey. 185 00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:23,318 Oh, you're all in here. 186 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:25,362 Um, does the water get any hotter than this? 187 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,739 Uh, do you want me… 188 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,742 Uh, I mean, I… I could give you, if… 189 00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:32,077 NICK: I could… I'm good at fixing… 190 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,162 Yeah, I can fix it, also. 191 00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:36,039 CECE: Actually, you know what, I'll just figure it out myself. 192 00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,791 But do you guys have any actual soap? 193 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,169 Because all I can find in here is body gelato. 194 00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:41,461 -That would be Schmidt's. -Schmidt's gelato. 195 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,589 Body gelato's mine. If you could just… Don't use it all. 196 00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:45,215 -I'll just not touch it. -Okay. 197 00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,426 Hey. Why are you guys all in here? 198 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,178 -I'm brushing my teeth! -D… Doing the thing. 199 00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,430 She hogging the shower? Cece, come on. Hurry up. 200 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,683 CECE: Sorry, I just… I can't find any bigger towels for some reason. 201 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:02,024 You have a really beautiful body, Cece. I really appreciate that about you. 202 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:03,275 Okay, come on. 203 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:04,985 -I made you breakfast. -You did? 204 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,154 -Yeah. -Sorry. I just… 205 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,745 Disappointed with all of you. Especially you. 206 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,246 -It was a bad moment. -I thought you were better than that. 207 00:08:16,330 --> 00:08:18,415 I know. I am, sometimes. 208 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,417 Did you see that cleavage? 209 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,252 I just want to get my arm stuck down there. 210 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,171 127 Hours style. 211 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,298 And then… And then… (MIMICKING SAWING) 212 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,468 Just cut it for days. I don't care. I'll cut through the bone, the nerve. 213 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:30,552 (MAKES SNAPPING SOUND) 214 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,678 Schmidt! 215 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,181 You weren't upset 'cause I was dancing with Nick, right? 216 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,557 No, of course not. 217 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,518 'Cause I think he's really into you. 218 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,103 Nick? No, no. 219 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,231 Come on, Jess. This is classic Eduardo. 220 00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:46,276 You want this to go to Cece, right? 221 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,444 (HEAVY ACCENT) Jess. 222 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,279 Okay, I'll give it to Cece. 223 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,615 No. Jess! 224 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,033 You don't want me to give it to Cece? 225 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,619 Sí, sí… Uh, for you. 226 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:56,703 For me? 227 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,121 To give to Cece. 228 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,374 (GROANS) 229 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:01,750 We're just friends. 230 00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:03,669 You can't be friends with these guys. 231 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,212 You don't think that every single one of them 232 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,421 has thought about sleeping with you? 233 00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:09,633 No, you just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time. 234 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,260 They do. That's why I think that. 235 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,178 Don't you hear how he says your name? 236 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,429 Jess. 237 00:09:14,513 --> 00:09:17,850 He's from Chicago. That's how people from Chicago say Jess. 238 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:21,603 (CHICAGO ACCENT) Like "bears" and "milk" and "Let's go visit the Sears Tower." 239 00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:22,855 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 240 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,566 Hey, Jess. I'm going to the drugstore. You need anything? 241 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,609 Yes. Jess, you should go with him, 242 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:30,237 'cause then you can get that thing that you really need. 243 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,198 -Oh, I wonder what that is. -She'll be right out. 244 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:35,576 Just… 245 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,453 No. No! 246 00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:40,956 No, you are not coming in here and ruining all this. 247 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124 -I'm happy. -(CHUCKLES) 248 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:45,043 I like these guys, and I think they're actually starting to like me, too. 249 00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,129 Who did you tell me was your perfect man? 250 00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,964 Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. 251 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,424 And I could be girl Jack Lemmon. 252 00:09:50,507 --> 00:09:53,427 He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you. 253 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:56,138 And did you see his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want. 254 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,347 His feet were pointing right at you. 255 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,557 Why wouldn't his feet point at me? 256 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,434 Otherwise, he's standing like a duck. 257 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,768 -Just come on. Go. Get out there. -(GROANS) 258 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,228 NICK: Hey, you ready? Come on! 259 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:05,272 Be there in a sec, bro! 260 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,398 You just call me "bro"? 261 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,276 Yeah. 262 00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:11,737 Well, how long is she staying? 263 00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,739 Oh, not long. 264 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,532 I know she can be tough to deal with. 265 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:18,827 Sometimes she just calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you." 266 00:10:18,911 --> 00:10:20,078 And then she just hangs up. 267 00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,331 -No other information. -Weird. 268 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,628 But I don't know, I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch." 269 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,421 It makes me feel like Janis Joplin. 270 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,299 NICK: Fine, but does she have to stay with us? 271 00:10:34,051 --> 00:10:36,512 What? I'm sorry. What… What did you say? 272 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,514 I'm saying stop trying to take care of everyone. 273 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,599 -Oh, my God. -What? 274 00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:41,683 -What? -What? 275 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,560 -Nothing. What? -What? 276 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,104 What are you doing? 277 00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,818 I know she's your best friend, but… I didn't… I didn't mean to insult you. 278 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,612 -Just, you don't have to take care of her… -No… 279 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,405 Okay. 280 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:57,491 Yes. 281 00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,951 -NICK: What are you doing? -What are you doing? 282 00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:00,994 I'm sorry, I'm just checking… I just want to make sure… 283 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,246 If I insulted you, I'm sorry. 284 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,248 -But what are you doing right now? -Everything's in its place. 285 00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,624 -What does that mean? -Okay. 286 00:11:05,707 --> 00:11:07,876 -I'm just walking like a friend. -(CHUCKLES) 287 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,711 Okay, you know what, forget this. 288 00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,588 Let's get out of here. Last on the list… 289 00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:14,925 -toilet paper. -Um, I don't use it. 290 00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:17,344 You don't use toilet paper? 291 00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:21,139 (CHUCKLES) I mean… 292 00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:22,599 That's not what I meant. 293 00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,809 That's what your mother meant. 294 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,686 What? Did my mother call? What did she say? 295 00:11:25,769 --> 00:11:29,690 No, Jess, I was… Jess, I was joking. 296 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,444 -(MUSIC PLAYING) -(SCHMIDT WHISTLES) 297 00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,321 Look at her. 298 00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:39,157 Go for it, man. You know, go do your thing. 299 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:41,368 I don't like the roof, man. There's a cat up here. 300 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,662 It's crazy. It was raised by birds. 301 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,956 You mean to tell me you're going to let a cat stop you from all that? 302 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,165 It's a bird-cat, man. 303 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:49,001 It's very dangerous. Look it up. Double rabies. 304 00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,502 Right. You can't close. 305 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:52,963 (SIGHS) 306 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,092 You just said the magic words, son. 307 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,678 Baby, baby, don't cry. 308 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:03,307 Look, I get it. I was the best lover you ever had. 309 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:07,603 Yeah. A 90-minute session's pretty standard for me. 310 00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:11,607 It was god what? 311 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,567 Oh, it was godlike. 312 00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:16,403 -Very sweet of you to say. -(PHONE RINGING) 313 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,656 WINSTON: My bad. 314 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,033 Pocket-dialed you. 315 00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:24,786 (CHUCKLES) I got dropped calls, then Winston calls. It's crazy. 316 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,247 Uh, the roof, you know what I mean? 317 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,376 Hey, look, if he's ever bothering you… 318 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,921 -You both are. -Cool, that's cool. 319 00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:35,756 -(CAT MEOWING) -(GASPS) 320 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,553 NICK: Okay, what's going on with you, Jess? 321 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,222 -Why do you have to do that? -Do what? 322 00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,349 Why do you have to say my name like that? "Jess." 323 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,601 And why do you have to wear old man clothes all the time? 324 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,645 -I don't wear old man clothes. -(SIGHS) 325 00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,772 -You don't like the way I dress? -(GROANS) No, I just… 326 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,441 -Did I do something to you? -No, I just need air. 327 00:12:54,525 --> 00:12:55,526 Okay… 328 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,152 Rose for the lady? 329 00:12:57,236 --> 00:12:58,362 -No, it's okay. -Okay, I'll buy you one. 330 00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,655 -What? No. No. -Or… Or two. They come as two? 331 00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:01,281 -I'll buy two. Great. Thank you. -No, no. 332 00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,491 What do you mean, "no"? Here, take some roses. 333 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,409 You want 'em? It's $2. It's not a big deal. 334 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,078 -I want them to go. No. -They're nice roses… 335 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:08,497 Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? 336 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,998 Jess, it was a joke. 337 00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:11,708 What are you doing? Get back in the car. 338 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,837 Where are you going? 339 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,468 That's not the way home. 340 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,850 (SCOFFS) Just working on a Saturday. 341 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,143 You know, pulling in them ducats. It's crazy. 342 00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,020 It's like golden handcuffs, you know what I mean? 343 00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:34,398 It's like, on one hand I'm killing myself, 344 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,775 and on the other hand, I'm making all this baller dough. 345 00:13:36,859 --> 00:13:37,985 Ow! 346 00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,987 (IMITATING SCHMIDT SCREAMING) Sunburn. 347 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,739 (CHUCKLES) I told you to take that oil off. 348 00:13:42,823 --> 00:13:44,575 It's cool, man. It's just a little color. 349 00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,702 In a couple days I'll be brown just like you, Cece. 350 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,831 -Because… Because your culture is… -What is my culture? 351 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,251 It's, um… You're… F… Uh… 352 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,212 Um… J… Jaflan… 353 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,173 Jafanese? 354 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,091 Uh, Sa… Saudi… 355 00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,302 Saudiboo… Um… 356 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:05,679 Monga… 357 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:09,266 -My parents were born in India. -India. Totally. Love India. 358 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,517 He really does. 359 00:14:10,601 --> 00:14:13,687 Hey, Schmidt, why don't you tell her about all the things you love about India? 360 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:20,110 Uh, sure. I love, you know, uh… I love Slumdog. 361 00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:25,490 I love naan, uh, pepper, Ben Kingsley, the stories of Rudyard Kipling. 362 00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,826 I have respect for cows, of course. 363 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:33,957 I love, uh, the Taj Mahal, Deepak Chopra, anyone named Patel. 364 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,959 I love monsoons. 365 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:39,671 I love… I love cobras and baskets, Naveen Andrews. 366 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:43,425 I love mango chutney. Uh, really, any type of chutney. 367 00:14:43,509 --> 00:14:45,052 -Teepees… -Hey, Schmidt, take a lap. Refresh. 368 00:14:45,135 --> 00:14:46,261 Yep. 369 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,308 -That was pretty good. -I know. 370 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,477 You're working a little too hard, though. Watch this. 371 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:54,853 -Schmidt! -Yo. 372 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:56,063 Go up to the roof. 373 00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,898 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I'm going to go up to the roof. 374 00:14:57,981 --> 00:15:00,817 -I'll be there in 10 minutes. -Cool. See you in, like, 10. 375 00:15:01,652 --> 00:15:03,403 -That was absolutely… -Make me a sandwich. 376 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:04,571 Sandwich. 377 00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:07,533 I walked home. 378 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:11,119 I got out of the car and I walked home. 379 00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:12,329 Why, what happened? 380 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,915 His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time. 381 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,166 -Okay. -Did I do this? 382 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,962 Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? 383 00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:22,506 Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture. 384 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,715 You know what, don't worry about it. 385 00:15:23,799 --> 00:15:25,217 -I will talk to him for you. -No! 386 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,885 No, you won't. That would be the worst, 387 00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:28,303 most life-ruining thing you could possibly… 388 00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:30,180 -Hi, Nick. -Seriously, Jess, 389 00:15:30,264 --> 00:15:31,765 what the hell happened? 390 00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,976 I've been driving around for the last hour looking for you. 391 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,228 Everything is okay, and we were hoping to get everything out… 392 00:15:36,311 --> 00:15:37,729 BOTH: …on the table. 393 00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,898 The table which is not a table. It doesn't exist. 394 00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:41,441 Don't… Don't worry about the table. 395 00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:44,695 We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away. 396 00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:45,988 I was hot. 397 00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:49,032 You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run? 398 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,743 Why are you standing like that? 399 00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:52,953 This is how I stand. 400 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,371 I've never seen you stand like that. 401 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,416 I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? 402 00:15:57,499 --> 00:15:59,376 And you can't just walk around this neighborhood 403 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,963 with bags full of toilet paper, that you don't even use. 404 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,256 What? 405 00:16:04,882 --> 00:16:06,300 (SOFTLY) I told him I don't use toilet paper. 406 00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,386 Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you? 407 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,305 -Yes, I hear what he's saying. -He's trying to tell you 408 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,056 -he cares about you. -No, he doesn't care about me. 409 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:14,308 So I'm going to make this happen for you. 410 00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:16,226 -He cares about me as a friend. -This is so on, Jess. 411 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,687 -No, it is not. No, on it is not. -Oh. 412 00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,772 -I'm trying to help you… -No. 413 00:16:20,856 --> 00:16:22,649 -No. -Okay, my face is my job. 414 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:25,527 My face is my job. Okay… 415 00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:27,196 (BOTH GRUNTING) 416 00:16:27,279 --> 00:16:29,114 No! No! 417 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,200 -My earring. -Okay. 418 00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:33,285 It is stuck in your hair. 419 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,787 -Okay, can you get it out? -No. 420 00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:37,581 -Okay, we'll do it on the floor. -Ow… 421 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,208 -We're going to get it on the floor. -Okay. 422 00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:40,751 -Ow. -It'll be okay. All right, here we go. 423 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:41,835 What is wrong with you? 424 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,253 -I'm trying to help you. -No, what is wrong with you? 425 00:16:43,337 --> 00:16:44,463 No. I don't need your help. 426 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,089 You don't know. Nick and I are friends. 427 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,675 You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. 428 00:16:48,759 --> 00:16:50,552 You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. 429 00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:53,013 Oh, I'm sorry, DJ Diabeat It. 430 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:55,974 -He has diabetes. -Oh, he does? Boo-hoo. 431 00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,394 I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad. 432 00:16:59,478 --> 00:17:00,979 He's fine. He takes medication. 433 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,857 Why do you just come in and you take over? 434 00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:06,151 It's like you're playing mind games with people. 435 00:17:06,235 --> 00:17:07,861 Don't put this on me, Jess, okay? I'm trying to help you. 436 00:17:07,945 --> 00:17:09,154 You never make a move… 437 00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:10,364 Well, I don't need your help. 438 00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:13,825 I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. 439 00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:16,495 I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack 440 00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:19,706 with the first potato that I meet with diabetes. 441 00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:22,501 -Okay, what did you just say? -You heard me, bitch. 442 00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,003 (CHUCKLES) 443 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,880 (BOTH LAUGHING) 444 00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:28,674 -(SCHMIDT SCREAMING) -(GASPS) Oh. 445 00:17:28,757 --> 00:17:30,509 -What is that? What? -Oh, no. 446 00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:33,178 -What did you do? What did you do? -Oh, no, no, no, no. 447 00:17:44,022 --> 00:17:45,148 (MEOWS) 448 00:17:46,567 --> 00:17:48,986 Hey, Schmidt. How you doing? 449 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:51,905 Can I sit with you on your cooler here? 450 00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:54,199 Yeah. Just chillin', hanging with the cat. 451 00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,951 -(MEOWS) -Holla. 452 00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,037 I'm sorry that Cece did this to you. 453 00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,665 That's okay. I'm used to it. 454 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:04,751 I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams. 455 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,086 It's not you. 456 00:18:06,170 --> 00:18:08,213 I love Cece, but she's not ready for you. 457 00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:10,382 You're a good guy, 458 00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:13,594 You know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose 459 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,388 and concentrate on all of the things that you do by accident. 460 00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:18,640 Thank you. 461 00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,643 She'd eat you up. 462 00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:22,728 (SNICKERS) 463 00:18:24,062 --> 00:18:25,564 You really think she'd eat me up? 464 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:26,857 Yeah. 465 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,358 Like buffet style? 466 00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,235 You know, all you can eat? 467 00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:32,279 'Cause I got that prime rib, yo. 468 00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:38,118 Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free. 469 00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:41,205 I mean, except for the… Except for the last… 470 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:43,916 All right, let's go. Let's go, Schmidt, okay? 471 00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:45,209 Okay. 472 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,257 Hey, Cece. Um… 473 00:18:52,758 --> 00:18:57,179 Look, I get it. This isn't going to happen. 474 00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:59,932 But the couch is super uncomfortable, 475 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:04,978 my sunburn's starting to blister, and I just want to sleep in my own bed. 476 00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:06,396 Okay. 477 00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,907 (SWAMP SOUNDS) 478 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,333 I'm sorry for everything. 479 00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,838 I can be a jerk, sometimes. 480 00:19:38,554 --> 00:19:40,305 I hate sleeping alone. 481 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,684 Me, too. 482 00:19:44,393 --> 00:19:45,602 Sweet. 483 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:51,358 Sch-weet… 484 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:53,694 -Better when you don't talk. -Yeah. 485 00:19:54,653 --> 00:19:56,196 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 486 00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,329 If you tell anyone we held hands, 487 00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:06,582 I have two people in my phone that will kill you. 488 00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,542 Literally. 489 00:20:24,099 --> 00:20:26,310 -Mmm… -Oh. 490 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:43,744 Hey. 491 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:45,537 (LAUGHING) 492 00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:50,334 I'm sorry I acted so weird today. Weird! 493 00:20:50,876 --> 00:20:51,960 It's okay. 494 00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,548 (BOTH RESUME BRUSHING) 495 00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:05,349 (PHONE RINGING) 496 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:09,228 -Yo. -SCHMIDT: (QUIETLY) I did it, man. 497 00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,980 I'm holding her hand right now. She's in my bed, and she's asleep. 498 00:21:12,064 --> 00:21:15,067 Wait, so you're in… You're in the room right now? 499 00:21:15,150 --> 00:21:18,111 What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone. 500 00:21:18,195 --> 00:21:19,905 I did it. I closed. 501 00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:22,282 We could have this conversation at anytime. 502 00:21:22,366 --> 00:21:24,660 Shh. Please, shh. 503 00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:26,995 Okay, we're good. 504 00:21:27,079 --> 00:21:28,997 And just so we're clear, when I say "closing," 505 00:21:29,081 --> 00:21:30,332 this is not what I'm talking about. 506 00:21:30,415 --> 00:21:31,792 You're gonna have to define your terms. 507 00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:35,838 Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.